On behalf and by half

Meri Nutan

Kalpana — Sun, 08 May 2011 12:36:35 +0000

Resolutions are hard to follow in the face of emotion , especially emotion evoked by and for someone you love and who you know loves you. I saw that set in stone resolution this time. I searched your face and in your eyes to see whether i existed in you. Repeatedly. And i found myself sometimes, and something else too.

I saw myself in the song that played in your car as you picked me up, in the perfume you had on , the one i love, the “so , how come? “ question in your eyes ….didnt you know the answer?

the hug that came after the initial aloofness. The way that you stroked my hair silently while you were lost in your thoughts.

I wish i could tell you how much i want to come into your arms and let go and find peace. I feel fragmented inside and outside. But i couldn’t bring myself to tell you my need. Except in blunt straight tones with closed eyes, as if it were a speech. I couldn’t bear to look at you to see if it didn’t matter to you at all…or mattered only somewhat..i know you still love me.Thats what keeps me sane.

Thats what i needed to see this time.

I saw a lot more, but i am holding on to this and that too. Maybe some day i will have the ability to have a “set in stone” resolve too.

Till then, i live with this.

i was reading about penetrating blinding pain…

Kalpana — Sun, 08 May 2011 11:01:37 +0000

Sitting by myself , in the solitude i so craved for, I feel able to look within. Life has been such a rich variety of experiences. But i wonder about permanance and the premium people lay on it.

The value of someone who is only with me , the pretense that it can be permanent, that someone could actually want that as a goal , a goal to grow together. Why is so much value attached to it?

I do too. I know I attach a lot of value to it too. Its just that right now , I question why i do that sometimes when the pain is blinding, and wish to understand what to do to contain the sense of acute loss and failure, yes , though I’ve been hesitant to admit it to myself , I realise that i believe that I have failed. Failed to do what is required to grow within and with a relationship that I know is right.

I know s and I are meant to love each other. And i always will believe that.

But then failure is mine . Something i wish sometimes i could share with her. The failure, and be able to say to myself ,she is failing too. And at other times , i realise that its always about me then.

How is she able to completely cut off all ties and stay as she is. It must be real deep down hurt that makes her do it. Or a sense of such danger and threat , that the only way to self preserve must have been to withdraw. If I can induce such hurt in someone whom I love so much, and not be able to repair it , then what good am i at relationships . I hadnt realised how it impacts the belief in my work too, when these kids speak about relationships and passion and love..i think of her , i think of me , and i struggle to stay neutral and not be colored..but is that possible?

I wonder..

Am i dying?

Kalpana — Sun, 08 May 2011 03:38:22 +0000

I’ve been questioning this for a while. I reread some of my posts and realised the hope , warmth and vitality ,intensity they have. It makes me tired to even see a glimmer of these. And yet it seems love had made me ever energetic and hopeful and “clear” in who i was.

I havent felt like that in a while. About much , including love. So i felt the intense need to feel again and i came to you.

I realise i felt at peace for those few hours , just your presence was enough. What can that be , i wonder ?

why do i get anchored and rested when you are around. despite your refusal to acknowledge us.

and now i am back, empty again.

I was so wrong to think i was moving on. I just feel i am deeper inside you than i ever was. and you inside me.

whingeing

Kalpana — Thu, 21 Apr 2011 17:24:43 +0000

i think betrayal and not meeting expectations is the norm. The pain doesnt even go beyond a point now, only so deep. I think its true closure and i think i am back to being who i used to be a while ago, a long while ago. I realised as i droveback last night after one of the hugest shocks in life lately that i could count off on my fingers who i might want to be with or talk to.

and i realised i ended up with myself. Its such a disadvantage if you cant rant sometimes. I realised it isnt their fault , my voice didnt betray my feelings byond a tremor and because everyone had other plans , i just didnt venture to reveal anything. Somewhere i shake my head at myself . I didnt even feel any sadness for most of it , just realised i’ve got to be by myself and how tempting it was to call her and let loose. Bu i also realised the pain of her not being there was preferable to me than if she didnt respond to my cry for help that time.

i wonder if i still live in a fool’s paradise about her.

but i also realised that i have to deal with it all by myself. my own shortcomings, non communication and lack of clearly asking for help, why is it that i offer hints that i want others to pick up, but i wont shout for help. doesnt it make the others feel , i doubt their intent? sigh. It must be difficult to be close to me.

but i dont think it matters much any longer. I am through thinking about it 24 hours down. And am dealing with it. moving on to tackle what must be my lot . and trying to not think of how any of this makes sense or not.

what i am actually marvelling at , is how it isnt penetrating beyond my skin any longer. does it mean it doesnt matter ? or it matters too much?

rishtey

Kalpana — Thu, 21 Apr 2011 17:09:58 +0000

haath choote bhi to rishtey nahi chhodaa karte,

waqt ki shaaakh se lamhe nahi toda karte.

jiski awaaz mein silvat ho , nigaahon mein shikan

aisi tasveer ke tukde nahi jodaa karte.

shehad jeene ka mila karta hai thodathoda

janewaalon ke liye dil nahin todaa karte..

lag ke saahil se jo behta hai , use behne do

aise dariya ka kabhi rukh nahi moda karte

letter

Kalpana — Fri, 04 Feb 2011 16:14:14 +0000

I feel like you have decided that the goal i seem to ache for is unrealistic. Being together for life , in spirit and growing old together ..in as many ways as possible.I understand that you are reducing harm and maybe trying to protect yourself and maybe even me. Its alien to my way of life , but now i am used to recognising it.
I appreciate sometimes that it can be a way of life, and then again at most times i shake my head and marvel at how you can adopt and live by such a philosophy. Maybe you do see the way we have grown as a mistake in some ways. You have said it often enough , and maybe you dont wish for it to keep growing into a bigger mistake..and maybe you are the more sensible one of us. But there it is..I dont agree with this approach.
It also probably means that my hurt and feelings will stay internal, as will yours. I realise you have no one to open up to . I wish that you had had the courage to speak to any one of your close ones about me. But maybe , you werent sure they would accept or you werent really ever sure of the nature of this relationship or the longevity of it.So , in hindsight , it seems you are better off. For never having shared your love with anyone except me. I did , and i know its remained a bone of contention. Now , in retrospect , i realise that i havent wished to speak about our relationship to anyone in a long time. Essentially, its an internal conversation. I am dealing with it in my own way. The pain is unbearable at times , but much of teh time in the last few weeks i have managed to stay with it and endure it without the earlier insanity and immense demands that i used to put on you.
I wouldnt want you to worry . or hold only yourself responsible .I do see many things as your viewpoint rather than mine, and i do struggle with not blaming you for the difference. I end up blaming you sometimes , more recently and i feel frustrated and angry and betrayed and sometimes misunderstood.. But i am realising also that Its something which as you said in a quote …if its meant to happen it will. Just blindly striving towards it , isnt the answer sometimes.
Maybe its time i let things be..so i am , letting it be what it has become and will become. Let it have its own life and its own course..
Am still here , in whatever ways you think you find me accessible..and many, in which i know you may not wish to access me..but i dont think reciprocity is my demand or certainty any longer.
I feel in many ways that you are desperately trying to move on from a place that you feel stuck and powerless in. and i see you take those steps. I wish you health and confidence.I always will. but i also feel upset sometimes when i feel that you are unable to see what your actions can do to me. How your withdrawl can seem to be about abandoning me.
and this time i got so hurt that i withdrew into myself too. Any tentative approaches to you have been met with resistance as i see it, and i fear being hurt again. But inside i wish still that you will one day open up again and give me a hint so i can be bold again, and myself again.
I miss you very much but feel afraid to say it out aloud , coz i fear the rejection or non acceptance when i say it.
I feel cold and numb mostly, about many things but few people can make out how i am inside. I think there was a time it was palpable and then as people remarked and i became aware of it, i managed to shut down quite well.
My inner life is mine, and i dont access it much any longer. No one else is privy to it too. and i get the sense you dont want to see it either.So i feel its best to let it be and believe that it doesnt need to exist.
Thats a defense , i think. But we all have our defenses. I’ve seen many in you and i see you surviving with them. In pain and yet a survivor. You’ve taught me that pain such as this can be lived through by being brutal to self and turning into stone.
Or maybe people call it moving on…

The dark side of intimacy

Kalpana — Fri, 04 Feb 2011 15:07:05 +0000

I sense the glass window pane rather than see it.

It becomes real only when i stretch my hand to reach beyond..

and encounter cold glass.

It stayed immovable,and broke my illusion of freedom and closeness

I reach out still when eager, forgetting the glass exists..

Now smudged with my own fingerprints, no longer transparent.

One day if i break it, will you step forward to stem the blood from the shards of glass ?

Or leave me be..to bleed into disillusionment ?

An open letter

Kalpana — Sat, 05 Sep 2009 20:15:29 +0000

Hi A,
You know its been a while since we talked. Really talked.Years..yet I feel you are an inch away. The distance melts as i see you nodding to what i say , sometimes questioning , but mostly accepting and happy at who I’ve become.
We used to talk and understand so much. Enough to know we are soulmates. And will be. I still know that.
Just sometimes, I wonder if I need more..more assurances that beneath this rush of day to day life, you also know and feel what we share. Do you?
And yet, I know the answer. I know you think of me , miles away. I know you still know me , tho its been years that you’ve seen me in my life.
I feel content, detached in my knowledge that you are. We are.
and yet, there are times when I wonder..am i losing time ? Will I have the time to meet ? Will I know your children , the way I ‘ve known you?
I wish at times like now, to reach out and touch that thread. To reassure myself that it holds..and yet, I know it does.
Stop nodding sagely. I know ,you know. I need to see it.

Love

Just be ,Just me.

Kalpana — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 16:53:41 +0000

I can fly, I can soar
I have it in me, I’ve done it before.

All the time? Everytime?
Hmm..Of that I’m not so sure…

Much of the time I know I am not soaring , not reaching where i can.
Is that called ambition? striving?
Is that what dreams are made of ?

But every other moment, a precious thought intrudes…
certain despite its elusiveness..

“I’m happiest in my now
despite the knowledge of all my different states of being..
with the awareness that i am sitting, walking, running , or flying …
its all me…
all of it is me
it is all of me at that time.

and I am happiest being me.

Isnt happiness what i am right now, not in the constant reaching out for what I can be?

Untitled

Kalpana — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 19:53:43 +0000

When I sit, I know I can be walking
When I walk, I am aware that I can run.
When I am running, I wonder if I can sprint..
So I push myself, and I sprint

It takes all my energy, Finally, I cant think of much else
A spring in my step , the blood throbbing in my veins.
I stop and look back in exhilaration.
That is a complete moment.
Joy , in my own capacity and power.

I spot it just as I become aware of its drone

I look up at the sky..

The airplane flies high over me

Words appear in my conscious,
I have the capability of flying…

When I fly, I am truly free..
and yet , sometimes , I wonder if I can soar higher ?

Even higher? Ever higher?
Exploring limitlessness..

Is that the cause of my restless self?