Resolutions are hard to follow in the face of emotion , especially emotion evoked by and for someone you love and who you know loves you. I saw that set in stone resolution this time. I searched your face and in your eyes to see whether i existed in you. Repeatedly. And i found myself sometimes, and something else too.
I saw myself in the song that played in your car as you picked me up, in the perfume you had on , the one i love, the “so , how come? “ question in your eyes ….didnt you know the answer?
the hug that came after the initial aloofness. The way that you stroked my hair silently while you were lost in your thoughts.
I wish i could tell you how much i want to come into your arms and let go and find peace. I feel fragmented inside and outside. But i couldn’t bring myself to tell you my need. Except in blunt straight tones with closed eyes, as if it were a speech. I couldn’t bear to look at you to see if it didn’t matter to you at all…or mattered only somewhat..i know you still love me.Thats what keeps me sane.
Thats what i needed to see this time.
I saw a lot more, but i am holding on to this and that too. Maybe some day i will have the ability to have a “set in stone” resolve too.
Till then, i live with this.
