Sitting by myself , in the solitude i so craved for, I feel able to look within. Life has been such a rich variety of experiences. But i wonder about permanance and the premium people lay on it.
The value of someone who is only with me , the pretense that it can be permanent, that someone could actually want that as a goal , a goal to grow together. Why is so much value attached to it?
I do too. I know I attach a lot of value to it too. Its just that right now , I question why i do that sometimes when the pain is blinding, and wish to understand what to do to contain the sense of acute loss and failure, yes , though I’ve been hesitant to admit it to myself , I realise that i believe that I have failed. Failed to do what is required to grow within and with a relationship that I know is right.
I know s and I are meant to love each other. And i always will believe that.
But then failure is mine . Something i wish sometimes i could share with her. The failure, and be able to say to myself ,she is failing too. And at other times , i realise that its always about me then.
How is she able to completely cut off all ties and stay as she is. It must be real deep down hurt that makes her do it. Or a sense of such danger and threat , that the only way to self preserve must have been to withdraw. If I can induce such hurt in someone whom I love so much, and not be able to repair it , then what good am i at relationships . I hadnt realised how it impacts the belief in my work too, when these kids speak about relationships and passion and love..i think of her , i think of me , and i struggle to stay neutral and not be colored..but is that possible?
I wonder..
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