i think betrayal and not meeting expectations is the norm. The pain doesnt even go beyond a point now, only so deep. I think its true closure and i think i am back to being who i used to be a while ago, a long while ago. I realised as i droveback last night after one of the hugest shocks in life lately that i could count off on my fingers who i might want to be with or talk to.
and i realised i ended up with myself. Its such a disadvantage if you cant rant sometimes. I realised it isnt their fault , my voice didnt betray my feelings byond a tremor and because everyone had other plans , i just didnt venture to reveal anything. Somewhere i shake my head at myself . I didnt even feel any sadness for most of it , just realised i’ve got to be by myself and how tempting it was to call her and let loose. Bu i also realised the pain of her not being there was preferable to me than if she didnt respond to my cry for help that time.
i wonder if i still live in a fool’s paradise about her.
but i also realised that i have to deal with it all by myself. my own shortcomings, non communication and lack of clearly asking for help, why is it that i offer hints that i want others to pick up, but i wont shout for help. doesnt it make the others feel , i doubt their intent? sigh. It must be difficult to be close to me.
but i dont think it matters much any longer. I am through thinking about it 24 hours down. And am dealing with it. moving on to tackle what must be my lot . and trying to not think of how any of this makes sense or not.
what i am actually marvelling at , is how it isnt penetrating beyond my skin any longer. does it mean it doesnt matter ? or it matters too much?
