letter

I feel like you have decided that the goal i seem to ache for is unrealistic. Being together for life , in spirit and growing old together ..in as many ways as possible.I understand that you are reducing harm and maybe trying to protect yourself and maybe even me. Its alien to my way of life , but now i am used to recognising it.
I appreciate sometimes that it can be a way of life, and then again at most times i shake my head and marvel at how you can adopt and live by such a philosophy. Maybe you do see the way we have grown as a mistake in some ways. You have said it often enough , and maybe you dont wish for it to keep growing into a bigger mistake..and maybe you are the more sensible one of us. But there it is..I dont agree with this approach.
It also probably means that my hurt and feelings will stay internal, as will yours. I realise you have no one to open up to . I wish that you had had the courage to speak to any one of your close ones about me. But maybe , you werent sure they would accept or you werent really ever sure of the nature of this relationship or the longevity of it.So , in hindsight , it seems you are better off. For never having shared your love with anyone except me. I did , and i know its remained a bone of contention. Now , in retrospect , i realise that i havent wished to speak about our relationship to anyone in a long time. Essentially, its an internal conversation. I am dealing with it in my own way. The pain is unbearable at times , but much of teh time in the last few weeks i have managed to stay with it and endure it without the earlier insanity and immense demands that i used to put on you.
I wouldnt want you to worry . or hold only yourself responsible .I do see many things as your viewpoint rather than mine, and i do struggle with not blaming you for the difference. I end up blaming you sometimes , more recently and i feel frustrated and angry and betrayed and sometimes misunderstood.. But i am realising also that  Its something which as you said in a quote …if its meant to happen it will. Just blindly striving towards it , isnt the answer sometimes.
Maybe its time i let things be..so i am , letting it be what it has become and will become. Let it have its own life and its own course..
Am still here , in whatever ways you think you find me accessible..and many, in which i know you may not wish to access me..but i dont think reciprocity is my demand or certainty any longer.
I feel in many ways that you are desperately trying to move on from a place that you feel stuck and powerless in. and i see you take those steps. I wish you health and confidence.I always will. but i also feel upset  sometimes when i feel that you are unable to see what your actions can do to me. How your withdrawl can seem to be about abandoning me.
and this time i got so hurt that i withdrew into myself too. Any tentative approaches to you have been met with resistance as i see it, and i fear being hurt again. But inside i wish still that you will one day open up again and give me a hint so i can be bold again, and myself again.
I miss you very much but feel afraid to say it out aloud , coz i fear the rejection or non acceptance when i say it.
I feel cold and numb mostly, about many things but few people can make out how i am inside. I think there was a time it was palpable and then as people remarked and i became aware of it, i managed to shut down quite well.
My inner life is mine, and i dont access it much any longer. No one else is privy to it too. and i get the sense you dont want to see it either.So i feel its best to let it be and believe that it doesnt need to exist.
Thats a defense , i think. But we all have our defenses. I’ve seen many in you and i see you surviving with them. In pain and yet a survivor. You’ve taught me that pain such as this can be lived through by being brutal to self and turning into stone.
Or maybe people call it moving on…

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